


All of the AUs. ALL OF THEM.

by thelastfig



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-17
Updated: 2013-12-17
Packaged: 2018-01-04 22:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1086561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelastfig/pseuds/thelastfig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the title says- All of the AUs. </p>
<p>Do you ever watch movies/read books/think of situations where you can insert characters from other universes into that universe? Basically my head canon is always on and it's been tuned into the Hobbit fandom for a decent amount of time, so I thought I'd word vomit on here for you.</p>
<p>1. Fem!Dwalin/Ori- Rollerderby with female Dwalin because I'm not sure I've ever seen female Dwalin with male Ori.<br/>2. Thorin/Bilbo- Ouran High school host club where Bilbo is mistaken for Bilba due to his lack of beard and must cross dress to serve in Erebor Academy's Host Club.<br/>3. Thorin/Bilbo- Thorin inherits a map from his father that supposedly leads to the location of the legendary Pokemon Smaug... but he didn't expect Professor Gandalf to stick his nose into his business and insist famed Pokemon researcher and writer Bilbo Baggins come along as well.</p>
<p>Yeah, there's also Star Wars, Harry Potter, the Sound of Music, possibly Labyrinth, and other convoluted things my mind has decided must be written. Enter at your own risk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All of the AUs. ALL OF THEM.

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'd. Any mistakes are my own.
> 
> Trigger warning: douchey drunk guy, minor violence

The rink is noisy as the laughs and chatter of hundreds of people in a confined space bounce off the stone walls. Left earbud in, right earbud in. The intro riff of Iron Man replaces the crowd as Dwalin 'Battle Axe' continues to tighten and loosen the bearings on her skates until they glide with just the right amount of give on the waxed, wooden floorboards. With precise movements she places her helmet over her head, making sure her mohawk fits through the slot she's cut in it. Popping her mouth-guard in, Dwalin stands and begins her warm up for tonight's bout. 

Dwalin is the first member of her team to begin warm ups, but soon she is joined by the others who make up Durin's Daughters, Erebor's best roller derby team. Thorin eventually joins her in blocking warm ups, ever present scowl on her face causing Dwalin to roll her eyes. Sulk. All the sulking. All the sulking all the time. Dwalin wonders if Thorin can even fuck without having a moment or two dedicated to sulking over one thing or another. Maybe premature ejaculation. Dwalin might sulk over th… nah, she'd probably just laugh. Taking an earbud out, she raises an eyebrow at her best friend.

"What's wrong this time?" Dwalin asks, keeping the long-suffering sigh out of her voice.

"Bilbo." Thorin grumbles and Dwalin looks around and sees Thorin's fussy, little fiance sitting in the VIP section with an equally dark scowl on his face. "Doesn't want me to skate tonight because of…" Thorin jerks her head towards the opposing team's, the Dol Gul-darlings, bench.

Dwalin ventures a look over to the bench and sees a vicious glare aimed in their direction. 'The Defiler' looks like she wants nothing more than to walk across the rink and clothesline Thorin. There's a splint on one of her arms, and Dwalin snorts as she remembers The Defiler's illegal hit on Thorin and the subsequent fight that left The Defiler with a broken arm. Dwalin doesn't put it past The Defiler to attempt revenge. The more Dwalin looks at The Defiler's face, the more she thinks Thorin should have rearranged it to make it more pleasant to look at. 

"If looks could kill," Nori 'Stickyfingers' says in a sing-song voice as she glides by them with a wink. "Better not let her get through." She darts away again with all the agility of a jammer and Dwalin grumbles under her breath. 

Thorin continues to skate next to Dwalin, but her eyes are on Bilbo the entire time. With a huff, Dwalin puts her earbuds back in and tries not the let the sound of Thorin's brooding drown her. When the ref blows the whistle to signal the end of warm up, Thorin glides over to Bilbo to reassure him, and Dwalin's eyes follow her friend over to rest on the man sitting next to Bilbo. Or is it boy? Dwalin frowns, not really sure when a boy becomes a man or a man stops being a boy. Her eyes take in the scrawny frame clad in knit cardigan, thick glasses perched on a nose covered in freckles, and a haircut that was… well… tragic wasn't the right word, but somehow the man-boy made it work. 

"Who's sitting with Bilbo?" Dwalin asks Thorin when she returns to the bench.

"Nori's brother," Dwalin looks at Thorin to elaborate, but Balin calls for quiet so she can read the line-up.

When they stand on the blocker line, Thorin as pivot and Dwalin right next to her as an outer blocker, Dwalin looks up and sees the kid looking at her. She aims a salacious wink at him and grins at the way he flushes red under his freckles. An elbow is thrown into her ribs and Dwalin looks to see Nori gliding to the jammer line with a smile promising a sharp death; Dwalin's grin intensifies. 

*

They don't make it to the end of the bout due to biting, a broken nose, punches thrown, a shiv, and the police arresting part of the Dol Gul-darlings. With not enough players to keep competing after the arrests, the Dol Gul-darlings are disqualified and the Daughters of Durin win by default. Dwalin's lucky to escape with nothing more than a bruised jaw from a punch, but Thorin is bleeding profusely from where The Defiler broke her nose and has to go to the hospital after being bitten by The White Warg. Thinking back, it's lucky no one was stabbed with the shiv, but the more she thinks on it, the more Dwalin thinks the shiv originated from Nori. 

After packing Thorin's bag up for Bilbo to take home, Dwalin begins the process of taking her own gear off. She reeks as derby pads tend to take on what Bofur calls 'the funk of death and vomit baking in Satan's asshole for months', and she removes as much of the smell and sweat as she can with baby-wipes. The spikes of her mohawk have retained their shape and after toweling away sweat from the rest of her short hair, she sprays them with hairspray to make sure they hold for the after party. Dwalin doesn't bother with anything else as she changes into a pair of loose-fitting jeans and a tank-top before tying her Chucks. Making sure her equipment is tidily cared for and stowed away, she calls her goodbyes to the rest of the team, telling them she'll meet them at the bar.

"I like a girl who knows how to ride."

Jesus. Tap dancing. Christ. Every fucking time. 

Dwalin calmly finishes stowing her bags on her motorcycle before turning around to look at the man talking to her. He's holding a beer in his hand, and there's just enough sway in his stance for Dwalin to know he's shitfaced. Licking his lips in what he must feel is seductive but is anything but, he throws her a crooked grin and takes a step forward. 

"Wanna take a ride on my hog?" He asks with a laugh that is more of a snort, and gestures at his dick. "It will be the best of your life."

"I somehow doubt that." Dwalin tells him, scowl on her face and hand reaching toward the knife she keeps in her bag. "Get out of here."

"Come on sweetheart," the wider his smile becomes, the more Dwalin anticipates sinking her fist into it and loosening some teeth. 

"Get. The fuck. Away. From. Me." Dwalin stresses each word, but the drunk man doesn't seem to understand. "Last warning."

"You need a good fuck to loosen up the stick in your ass," he slurs.

Dwalin's had enough. This dickwad is going to eat his own testicals for dinner tonight by the time she's done with him. But before she can teach him just how much of a 'sweetheart' she is, someone clears their throat.

"Is there a problem here?" 

Nori's man-boy brother is standing there with his arms crossed and a frown on his lips. The effect is as terrifying as a baby bunny. The drunk man mumbles at him to mind his own business and to get lost, but he's having none of it.

"From where I'm standing, it looks like the lady asked you to leave." Oh bless his cardigan-clad heart. "And when a lady says no, it means no."

With a sneer, the drunk lashes out and pushes Nori's brother back. And that's the last thing he does as Dwalin sees red, and sends him to the pavement knocked out cold with a right-hook to the head. Nori's brother just looks at her with his jaw-dropped and a mix of shock and awe in his eyes… Dwalin thinks she might have heard him whimper.

"Are… are you okay?" he asks her and she blinks at the sweetness in his voice. 

Lord have mercy.

"How old are you?" She asks as she uses her foot to roll the drunk out of the road and into the grass.

"Twenty-two, ma'am," Legal. There's a stutter in his words and she finds it deliciously ironic that standing up to a man almost twice his size was not as terrifying as speaking to her. "And it's Ori, ma'am."

"Stop with the ma'am bullshit," Dwalin grunts as she gives the drunk man a tap to the ribs to wake him up and stepping away from him when he opens his eyes. Bending down over him, she sneers, "Get the fuck out of here before I string you up by your dick hair." 

And he's on his feet stumbling back to the front of the building faster than she's ever seen a drunk man move. Ori shuffles on his feet and looks down at the ground. Dwalin wonders how a sneaky bitch like Nori can be related to this innocent little thing. Or maybe he only looks innocent. Dwalin feels the leer on her lips and immediately coughs to shake it away; Thorin tells her she looks homicidal when she smiles. Thorin's wrong though as Dwalin often looks homicidal without leering. And most of the time actually. 

"Are you scared of me?" Dwalin is often painfully blunt and feels a tinge of remorse as Ori reddens. "I'm not that scary."

"Yes. No. I mean, no, I-" Ori flounders over the correct response and all Dwalin finds words like 'endearing' and 'want' and 'fuck into the ground' popping into her head. "Intimidating."

"Ori," she reaches out and takes one of the hands he is wringing. He looks up at her through the copper fringe of his shoddily chopped hair and she smiles at him so sweetly the tension falls from his body. "Thank you."

Leaning forward, she kisses his cheek and delights in the way his skin warms beneath her lips. His breathing hitches, and her kiss turns into a laugh against him. Sweet and innocent. Perfect.

Bless me lord for all the sinning I'm about to do.

"Come on," she doesn't let go of his hand as she pulls him over to her motorcycle. Grabbing the extra helmet, she helps him adjust it and ties his scarf to make sure it doesn't fly off.

"Where are we going?" He asks as she kicks off, arms tight and warm around her waist. 

"Into the sunset," she tells him, winking at Nori as they drive by and laughing at the cross look on her face. "The sunset where there is booze and dark corners where I might need more saving."

"I'm here to serve," Ori's voice has the slightest touch of sarcasm, and Dwalin thinks she might be in love.

Dwalin's not sure if her jaw hurts from the bruise or from the amount of smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> I appreciate comments and constructive criticisms


End file.
